Journals205
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Dem Feels
3 min read
So here I am, sitting in bed next to the man who changed my life. He's all wrapped up in the blankets, twitching slightly in his left shoulder (the one that got rewired during his surgeries.; His hair is a matted mess spread across both pillows (apparently he was on my side of the bed for a short time last night). And I just heard him do this little shuffling snore that he does when his nose is clogged up from his allergy. Laundry still in the washer and dryer, just reset the dryer (again, damn thing has to run twice to dry anything). The room is a mess, the bathroom needs to be cleaned...
But watching him sleep...occasionally wrapping my arms about him and feeling him breathe and shudder slightly in his dreams, makes me happy in ways I cannot describe. I look at him and realize that I will be waking up to his face for the rest of my life. And I couldn't, wouldn't, CAN'T...have it any other way. There's just something in the way he is, that completes me so very neatly. And believe it or not, this quiet little domestic scene started in a BDSM dungeon.
It was my first night to the Dungeon, my friend had dragged me there to make sure that she had a ride and a friend there, but soon she was gone in hustle of fire-cupping and learning how to throw whips. Leaving me in the dressing room, cowering from the rest of the people. I admit, I am usually a Pinkie Pie, laughing and joking and loud. But that night, I was a total Fluttershy! I couldn't meet anyone's eye and I had trouble speaking up. Then he walked up to me.
Long brown hair, glasses, tall, lean, wearing...traditional Renaissance Scotsman garb? He even had a rapier belted to his side. He had seen the coin pendant about my neck and had to know what I had gotten on it when I had it beaten. (Celtic Pentagram and Zodiac Wheel). He actually made them for his job! We fell into talking about Renaissance Faires (he was actually supposed to be working one the next morning, which is why he was all dolled up) and eventually we made our way into the dungeon. Suddenly, neither of us could speak again. I was looking at the ground, at the ropes, at the people doing fire-cupping...anywhere but at him.
"Would...would you like to play?"
I blushed crimson.
"The couches are quieter, less noise and people. It'll be more comfortable."
I blushed a bit brighter and looked up at him.
"I'll only do what you're comfortable with."
Thought for a few moments. The darkness and heavy metal playing over the speakers made it a little hard to concentrate. I opened my mouth and "Yes." came out. He smiled, took my hand and lead me towards the couches. Three and a half hours of knife and sensation play later, I was a gooey giggly mess and he was a grinning fool. We almost couldn't be separated. Two and a half months later...engaged, living together and with two cats to boot. I couldn't be happier.
Not even if I was offered a Hogwarts letter, a trip to Narnia, real pixie dust or even...all the money in Gringotts bank! 
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Brokenness
2 min read
You can't really trust anyone, can you?
No-one's ever really interested, not once you put yourself out there. There's no-one to trust, there's no-one who really wants to know you or your story or your feelings. Just look out for yourself. Be selfish. Keep it all close. No-one wants to hear your shit, no-one wants to know your childish emotions.
I'm sick of being belittled.
I'm sick of being demeaned.
I'm sick of being treated like a child.
I'm sick of being taken advantage of.
Nothing is ever right or okay or worth it. I hate relationships, they're never worth it. Not even those "precious" friendships that people forget about once your usefulness is used up to them. Everyone just wants to use you and abuse you. Forget about it.
Nothing's ever worth it. A heart that's been broken and disappointed so many times can't trust again. I know. I've tried. All I want to do is run. I hate people, I hate falling in love, I hate having needs, I hate longing for comfort and happiness that isn't, won't and can't ever be mine. I want to be alone.
I'm locking people out now. I'm not trusting anyone. It's not worth it to be hurt constantly and consistently in the same manner.
I'm always there for them. I'm just a convenience to them. The second they need me, I respond. But when I need them, they're not there. I'm not in their minds unless they need me. I'm done.
I'm done crying, I'm done worrying, I'm done trying. I'm DONE trying to win affection and attention and love. I'm done. It's not worth it anymore.
No-one's ever really interested, not once you put yourself out there. There's no-one to trust, there's no-one who really wants to know you or your story or your feelings. Just look out for yourself. Be selfish. Keep it all close. No-one wants to hear your shit, no-one wants to know your childish emotions.
I'm sick of being belittled.
I'm sick of being demeaned.
I'm sick of being treated like a child.
I'm sick of being taken advantage of.
Nothing is ever right or okay or worth it. I hate relationships, they're never worth it. Not even those "precious" friendships that people forget about once your usefulness is used up to them. Everyone just wants to use you and abuse you. Forget about it.
Nothing's ever worth it. A heart that's been broken and disappointed so many times can't trust again. I know. I've tried. All I want to do is run. I hate people, I hate falling in love, I hate having needs, I hate longing for comfort and happiness that isn't, won't and can't ever be mine. I want to be alone.
I'm locking people out now. I'm not trusting anyone. It's not worth it to be hurt constantly and consistently in the same manner.
I'm always there for them. I'm just a convenience to them. The second they need me, I respond. But when I need them, they're not there. I'm not in their minds unless they need me. I'm done.
I'm done crying, I'm done worrying, I'm done trying. I'm DONE trying to win affection and attention and love. I'm done. It's not worth it anymore.
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Shrug
1 min read
Friendships come. Friendships go.
Relationships come. Relationships go.
The only thing definite in this life is what you do and what you achieve. So I will work on my education and career. Maybe I'll be able to be adequately social at some point in the future. Until then...*shrug* Whatever.
Relationships come. Relationships go.
The only thing definite in this life is what you do and what you achieve. So I will work on my education and career. Maybe I'll be able to be adequately social at some point in the future. Until then...*shrug* Whatever.
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Valentine
1 min read
I would be your Valentine, walk with you in the rain,
show off just for you, be there through the pain.
I would be your one and only,
through all the colors and the joys,
I would do anything to make you smile,
I wish I could be what you want.
But I'm not her, I cannot compare.
You love her, you see no-one else,
not even the one right in front of you who would
give her soul to make you happy and give you
all your dreams.
I am not her, so I can't be your Valentine.
I love you, but I am not worth your time,
so therefore I must say goodbye.
My poems will never reach your eyes,
you will never know my tries and how much I would
give you make you happy.
So you will not know.
So make my heart stop throbbing and racing,
stop making me love you and adoring you.
I hate you. ...not really...
show off just for you, be there through the pain.
I would be your one and only,
through all the colors and the joys,
I would do anything to make you smile,
I wish I could be what you want.
But I'm not her, I cannot compare.
You love her, you see no-one else,
not even the one right in front of you who would
give her soul to make you happy and give you
all your dreams.
I am not her, so I can't be your Valentine.
I love you, but I am not worth your time,
so therefore I must say goodbye.
My poems will never reach your eyes,
you will never know my tries and how much I would
give you make you happy.
So you will not know.
So make my heart stop throbbing and racing,
stop making me love you and adoring you.
I hate you. ...not really...
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Old-Fashioned
2 min read
I was thinking lately, no matter how much I love working and being independent, nothing makes me happier than cooking and making people happy. I love hosting parties and planning for visitors and making sure that everything is perfect. I don't even have my name down for an apartment yet, but I'm still planning exactly how it's going to be tastefully decorated. (Fabric covered antique chairs and a glass table for the balcony as well as a rocking chair and neon-zebra paper lanterns for the balcony's ceiling.) (My room will be purple, white and black with dark paneled wood furniture.) I'm a sucker for old-fashioned dresses and aprons, especially with a cherry print.
I guess I'm just a 1950's housewife at heart.
As much as I hate perpetuating stereotypes about women, I love cooking, cleaning, making a house a home and being a great support. 
And it's bad when all my friends called me that behind my back. So...yea. Painfully obvious that I make a pretty damn good 1950's housewife.
Good thing I have a paycheck to buy all those 1950's dresses I've got my eye on!
Maybe I'll do a 1950's housewife pin-up photoshoot...
And the next time I go to a Renaissance Festival, I plan on taking a good amount of funds. I plan on getting my pirate garb. I plan on a base outfit of an cream/ivory blouse, a brown skirt and brown boots. For my Captain outfit, I plan on adding a vivid green bodice, vivid green underskirts, a hat with a large feather, a custom pearl necklace and two leather belts to hold a dagger, cutlass, two blunderbusses. For my wench outfit, a wine red corset, purple underskirts, and one of the leather belts. My character is a Southern gal who went pirate. She became a captain through hard work and ruthlessness. She's been known to dress as a wench and go tavern-hopping, to lure men into being shanghaied. She goes through crew members rather quickly.
Haha, I guess I'm just an old-fashioned girl, right down in the heart of me.
I guess I'm just a 1950's housewife at heart.
As much as I hate perpetuating stereotypes about women, I love cooking, cleaning, making a house a home and being a great support. And it's bad when all my friends called me that behind my back. So...yea. Painfully obvious that I make a pretty damn good 1950's housewife.Good thing I have a paycheck to buy all those 1950's dresses I've got my eye on!
Maybe I'll do a 1950's housewife pin-up photoshoot...
And the next time I go to a Renaissance Festival, I plan on taking a good amount of funds. I plan on getting my pirate garb. I plan on a base outfit of an cream/ivory blouse, a brown skirt and brown boots. For my Captain outfit, I plan on adding a vivid green bodice, vivid green underskirts, a hat with a large feather, a custom pearl necklace and two leather belts to hold a dagger, cutlass, two blunderbusses. For my wench outfit, a wine red corset, purple underskirts, and one of the leather belts. My character is a Southern gal who went pirate. She became a captain through hard work and ruthlessness. She's been known to dress as a wench and go tavern-hopping, to lure men into being shanghaied. She goes through crew members rather quickly.
Haha, I guess I'm just an old-fashioned girl, right down in the heart of me.
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